But strangely, on the eve of my birthday, when I was feeling so much else starting to shift (I blame it all on my haircut, lol) I looked at my glass of wine and said, "Ick... I am not drinking for fun anymore, I'm drinking 'cuz I NEED to. I'm drinking to CHILL OUT. But its just makes me DULL OUT. I don't want to be dulled down anymore!" There was a quiet voice in me to stop drinking. I chalked it up to birthday/new year drama, but somehow this was different. The decision was known and made in a second - I just wasn’t sure about how committed I’d be the next day... so I didn’t tell anyone in case I failed!
But half way through my second week…. There. A light came on that I didn’t know it had been out! Clarity of thought. A feeling of groundedness yet a little more bounce in my step. Definitely more stamina for the day. And, interestingly, emotionally I got very clear on my boundaries – both in parenting and my relationships. IT IS LIKE A STRENGTH has returned that I didn’t know I had! And guess what? I’m definitely not looking for that glass of DULL at night because I don’t want it! Sure there are days are crazy no matter how much positive thinking voodoo you practice. Maybe then, occasionally, a drink is good. But everyday? Who was I kidding? That is a crutch. I’m not saying that I’m never going to drink again, cuz to be honest, I like it... BUT – as a solution to unwind everyday? NO. As a way to soften the pain of how I didn’t stand up for myself today? NO. As a way to deal with isolation and loneliness? NO.
Have you ever give up booze or something else for a while and been surprised at what you learned? I'd love to hear about your experiences!
1 Comment
Lizette
17/10/2019 16:25:54
My Canadian mother was an alcoholic, which was never acknowledged by anyone but me in the family. My dad didn't trust anyone who didn't drink. That line of thinking propelled me into a 12-step program as an adult, for families and friends of alcoholics. Recovery notwithstanding, I developed, post-divorce, my own nightly ritual of a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate. A few years ago I realized exactly what you realized and am now finding less toxic means of relaxing, not to mention I developed an allergy to chocolate. In the addiction treatment business I worked in as a therapist, I learned that cravings are about allergies. Alcoholics are allergic to alcohol! To say I feel better having quit is an understatement. I can have the occasional bit of wine or chocolate, but having grown up with alcoholism, I'm a cautious skeptic. You've got this, Katherine! And if you don't there's always a recovery program. See you in Chacala, I hope. I'm trying for the last half of January again. ❤ Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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